Learning Outcome #6

(Sentence-Level Error) – Control sentence-level error (grammar, punctuation, spelling). (Word Count 218)

Throughout the semester I continuously identified local revision as an area of focus. I had already gained a strong understanding of how to structure my essay, so the focus then became on honing in on each sentence. I would continuously proofread my essay out loud to identify areas of my essay that sounded unnatural and wordy.  

In addition to reading through my essay on my own time, as a class we participated in a few thesis workshops. By identifying the four main requirements of a thesis statement (evidence and support, takes a stand, narrow, specific), I realized that I needed to add evidence and support to mine.  

This thesis in my rough draft (Image 1) was strong, but it excluded the evidence and support I used throughout my essay. Another error I identified was the use of passive construct (can create) in red, to a more active and authoritative construct (social media and virtual interactions cannot replicate) in green.   

By adding “Using the concrete psychological and physiological research of Robin Dunbar” (orange), I introduce the two central arguments that support my thesis. In only a few words, this clause focuses the lens of the essay onto these two reasons.

By eliminating the “can create”, and replacing it with “creates”, I made my thesis statement more authoritative and direct.